Preface: About the Sluts:
The Sacramento Street Sluts are four beautiful, talented and eternally youthful women who, through perseverance and influential friends, have become living legends. One of their biographers has noted that they are recognized as “national treasures and international figures of renown.”
Despite scurrilous rumors that they were once part of the adult film industry, the noun “Sluts” actually is an acronym for Sacramento Liaisons for Undercover Training and Service, stemming from their heroic work for a top-secret government agency after they were recruited from their jobs as cocktail waitresses at the South Sacramento Holiday Inn. A leaked government report suggests that they were instrumental in ending the Cold War but they have remained mum on the subject. Their work eventually brought them recognition and fame. Now they are primarily known for their philanthropic and humanitarian work. And for guest appearances wherever celebrities are likely to be noticed. They have been on the cover of every major magazine and newspaper.
Slut Mary, a.k.a. #1 Slut, is, like her home city New York, classy and fashionable.
Slut Diane, a.k.a. The Windy City Slut, is like her city Chicago – bold and outspoken.
Slut Barb, a.k.a. The Marin Slut, is like her favorite place in the world, Marin County, “with it,” organic and sustainable.
Slut Mike, a.k.a., The Pie Slut, is like her Island Paradise Hawaii, breezy and warm.
Alfredo Lasagne, who was once purported to be a “no good pimp,” is actually the Sluts’ C.E.O. and protector. He is Slut Mary’s Main Man.
The Slut Announcer handles all the Sluts’ media voice-over duties. He is Slut Diane’s Main Squeeze.
Captain John is Slut Mike’s cruise ship captain and sweetheart.
LaContessa is the Sluts’ dearest and most influential friend. She is the unofficial empress of Puerto Feo, the beautiful tropical beach town in Mexico where she holds court. She is protected and loved by her admirers the Mountain Men. And she is benefactress of the Blind Children of Puerto Feo, who frequently serenade her.
Armando is her handsome mischievous young protégé.
Dueña Isabelita is LaContessa’s devoted confidante and lady’s maid.
Father Ramón is LaContessa’s personal confessor and Armando’s tutor and disciplinarian.
Johnny A is the Sluts’ hard working publicist.
Jonny F is the Sluts’ even harder working attorney.
The Sluts reside in New York City, home of the opulent Slut Building near the Broadway theater district, and San Francisco, home of the Slut Foundation, once site of the San Francisco Mint and a recent gift to the Sluts from the people of the United States.
BARB is watching TV. The end credits theme for “Downton Abbey” plays. BARB throws a pillow at the TV.
BARB They can’t do that! How can they kill off my favorite character! That’s not right! I’m going to call the head of PBS tomorrow and give them a piece of my mind! (She yawns) I’m so sleepy all of a sudden…. (She falls asleep) Z-z-z-z-z-z-z…
ANNOUNCER …And, now, MasterSlut Theater is proud to present another exciting episode of the incredibly popular TV series Downton Sluts…. Downstairs at Slut Abbey. MRS. DUENA ISABELITA is hard at work in the kitchen. ARMANDO, wearing a butler’s outfit, enters.
ARMANDO Hey, ole lady, them bitches upstairs want their tea and they want it now…
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA (She grabs a carving knife and shakes it at ARMANDO) Dog! How dare you talk about those fine ladies that way!
ARMANDO Damn! Chill, bitch!
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA I’ll chill your huevos, dog! Now, take that tea tray upstairs, pendejo!
ARMANDO wearily picks up the tea try and mutters as he leaves the kitchen.
ARMANDO Damn! How come I always have to do all the work around this funky place…
Upstairs, LADY MARY, LADY DIANE, LADY BARBARA and LADY MIKALEE are in the sitting room wearing their finery.
LADY MARY I understand the Duke of Borracho is in town and wants us to dine with him.
LADY DIANE Oh, he’s a most unpleasant sort!
LADY BARBARA But we must be nice to him. He’s an intimate friend of the Dowager LaContessa.
LADY MIKALEE Must we? He’s so tiresome!
LADY MARY Yes, we must. The Dowager LaContessa was kind enough to loan us her butler Armando while our Thomas is away on holiday in West Hollywood.
LADY DIANE Yes, that was most kind of her.
LADY BARBARA Although I must say, this Armando chap is quite…
LADY MARY puts her finger up to her mouth to shush LADY BARBARA as ARMANDO walks into the room.
ARMANDO Tea is served, bitches! Damn! These pants are too tight! Yeow!
LADY MARY That will be quite enough, Armando. I will serve the tea.
ARMANDO OK with me. (Mutters) Damn, I wish I was back in Puerto Feo with my bros at the beach! Bet Renato and Chiquiles are really fucked up about now!
ARMANDO tugs at the crotch his pants as he leaves the room.
LADY BARBARA That is quite unacceptable!
LARY MARY (Sighs) But what can we do?
LADY MIKALEE Lord Captain John would have him horsewhipped for his sauciness!
LADY DIANE (Changing the subject) I am so sorry that Lord Captain John was unable to be here.
LADY MIKALEE Yes, he’s been at sea with the Royal Navy. But he will return quite soon.
LADY BARBARA He’s so brave!
LADY DIANE Yes, and I’m so sorry that the Lord Announcer was unable to be here, too. He’s at the Slut Foundation at Buckingham Palace.
LADY MARY What a coincidence! The Duke of Lasagne is at the Slut Foundation at Buckingham Palace as well!
LADY BARBARA What on earth could they both be doing at the Palace at the same time?
LADY MIKALEE Who knows! As long as they are back in time for dinner! And, speaking of dinner, what are we having tonight?
LADY MARY (Rings a bell) Let me check with Mrs. Duena Isabelita.
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA wearily enters the room.
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA You rang, Lady Mary?
LADY MARY Yes, I did. Mrs. Duena Isabelita, what are you preparing for dinner tonight?
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA (Thinks) Cucharrones, enchiladas de grillos, tacos de vegas and strawberry trifle.
LADY MIKALEE (Disappointed) Oh. I was hoping we were having lilikoi pie!
LADY MARY Could you please make lilikoi pie?
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA (Crosses herself and mutters) Ay, Dios mio! Estas damas son locas!
LADY MARY Thank you, Mrs. Duena Isabelita. That will be all.
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA wearily leaves the room.
LADY DIANA Will Father Ramon be joining us at dinner?
LADY MARY Yes. Thank God he has switched to the Church of England!
LADY MIKALEE Well, that’s a mercy.
ARMANDO enters fidgeting with his crotch.
ARMANDO Lady Mary, there’s a phone call for you. And it’s collect. Damn!
LADY MARY Thank you, Armando. You may bring the phone over.
ARMANDO hands her the phone, almost dropping it.
ARMANDO Shit! (He exits tugging at his crotch.)
LADY MARY glares at him, then speaks into the phone.
LADY MARY Hello? (To LADY DIANE, LADY BARBARA and LADY MIKALEE) It’s the Dowager LaContessa! (Into the phone) What a pleasant surprise! And an over-seas call, at that! (To LADY DIANE, LADY BARBARA and LADY MIKALEE) I hope she’s not calling collect!
ARMANDO sticks his head in the doorway.
ARMANDO I tole you it was collect!
LADY MARY (Into the phone) It sounds as if you were in the next room! How are things in Barbados? Splendid!
ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, downstairs…
ARMANDO enters, still tugging at his crotch.
ARMANDO Damn! Can’t they buy me some roomier pants! I can’t breathe!
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA (Brandishes a knife) I will make room in those pants for you, dog!
ARMANDO Bitch, get that knife away from me! You crazy!
MRS. DUENA ISABELITA Get over there and peel those potatoes, cavron!
ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, the Lord Slut Announcer, Alfredo Duke of Lasagne and Lord Captain John are taking the train from London to Slut Abbey…
LORD CAPTAIN JOHN I say! What a jolly good time we had at the Hellrakers’ Club!
ALFREDO DUKE OF LASAGNE Paisan! Remember, discretion is the better part of valor, man! We don’t want the ladies to know we were at that club!
LORD SLUT ANNOUNCER Quite right! Even though the Duke of Windsor invited us, it’s just between us guys!
LORD CAPTAIN JOHN But won’t the ladies be pleased that we won all this money!
AFREDO DUKE OF LASAGNE Paisan, you don’t get it! It’s those nasty wenches at the Hellrakers’ Club that they’re not gonna like!
LORD CAPTAIN JOHN Oh!!
LORD SLUT ANNOUNCER Hey, it was all clean fun! That’s what the Duke of Windsor said!
LORD CAPTAIN JOHN Oh! Jolly good!
ANNOUNCER: Later than night – dinner at Slut Abbey…
FATHER RAMON Another delicious dinner, ladies! As I was saying to the Archbishop of Canterbury…
LADY MIKALEE (Interrupts him) This lilikoi pie is quite good, but not as good as mine.
LADY DIANE Yes, I thought the dinner wasn’t quite up to snuff as well.
LADY MARY Mrs. Duena Isabelita has been out of sorts lately. I’m afraid I just don’t know what to do. (Changes the subject) Duke Alfredo?
ALFREDO DUKE OF LASAGNE Si, belisima?
LADY MARY You haven’t told us what you gentlemen were up to?
LADY MIKALEE Yes, that was quite a coincidence that you all managed to meet up like that.
LORD CAPTAIN JOHN Uh, uh…
LORD SLUT ANNOUNCER Yes, it was just a coincidence…
ARMANDO enters with cigars and wine. He stops and stares at the gentlemen.
ARMANDO Hey! Weren’t you guys at the Hellrakers’ Club last night?!
LADY DIANE, LADY MARY, LADY BARBARA and LADY MIKALEE jump up.
THE LADIES WHAT!!!
THE GENTLEMEN Uh, uh…
ARMANDO Yeah, my bro Chato works there and he tole me he saw you dudes acting wild… Man, you musta been really fucked up!
Tension is in the air – when…
ANNOUNCER We interrupt this episode of Downtown Sluts to bring you this Special Slut Press Conference from Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. Sluts Mary, Diane, Barb and Mike are on the dais accompanied by Alfredo Lasagne, Captain John, Armando, Duena Isabelita and yours truly, the Slut Announcer. It might interest you viewers to know that Early French Voyageurs used the name les trois tétons (the three breasts) for these majestic mountains…
Slut Mary is walking to the microphone accompanied by the head of the National Park Service and several park rangers.
SLUT MARY Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. We are honored that President Obama has once again chosen us for national recognition by turning these beautiful Grant Teton mountains behind us into the Slut National Monument. Like Mount Rushmore, well, actually, better, selected famous artists will soon turn these mountain peaks into likenesses of the Sluts so that generations to come will remember us and our contribution to Modern American Culture.
SLUT DI Yes, and I’m happy to say that Wieboldts is a proud sponsor of this effort…
SLUT BARB …And Circle K! LeRoy, I hope you’re out there updating our website!
SLUT MIKE I was sorry that the President didn’t choose Waimea Canyon, but this is OK.
ALFREDO And I gotta say this is a big, big deal. If only Michelangelo was here to do them justice!
SLUT ANNOUNCER …And those artists better make my doll baby look as good as she does in person!
CAPTAIN JOHN How come they’re not going to put our faces up there?
ARMANDO Right on, bro! Dig it, they can put my ass up there!
ARMANDO is pushed off stage.
DUENA ISABELITA (Teary-eyed) What a wonderful tribute to these fine ladies…
SLUT MARY (Interrupts her) …And I want to thank Jonny F, the Slut Attorney, for cutting through all the red tape.
SLUT DIANE …And a shout-out to Johnny A for the publicity…
SLUT BARB And love to all our fans!
SLUT MIKE …On the mainland and Hawaii and Alaska and around the world!
ARMANDO pushes his way back on stage.
ARMANDO …Hey, man! I want to give a shout-out to my bros at the beach in Puerto Feo! Peace out, bros!
ARMANDO is again pushed off stage.
SLUT MARY …And so, again, we want to thank the President and the grateful people of America for this great honor.
SLUT DI We can barely wait until it’s finished!
SLUT MIKE I know they will be working 24/7 to get it done ASAP.
SLUT BARB In the meantime, you can order numbered reproductions of the artists’ rendition on Slut.com.
The Sluts blow kisses to their fans.
THE SLUTS We love you!!!
ANNOUNCER …And, now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…
Suddenly, SLUT BARB wakes up.
SLUT BARB What the…! Wow! What a dream! It must have been that gluten free pizza I ate!
The phone rings.
SLUT BARB I wonder who that could be? (Picks up the phone)
It’s a conference call, SLUT MARY, SLUT DI and SLUT MIKALEE are on the other end.
SLUT MARY, SLUT DI and SLUT MIKE Hi, Barb!
SLUT BARB Hi, guys! What’s up?
SLUT MARY Are you sitting down?
SLUT BARB Yes.
SLUT DI You’re not going to believe what’s happened!
SLUT BARB Yeah?
SLUT MIKE It’s unbelievable.
SLUT BARB Tell me!
SLUT MARY ….President Obama has just renamed Grand Teton National Park Slut National Park and they’re going to carve our likenesses into the mountains!
SLUT DI Isn’t that great?!
SLUT MIKE I’m so excited!
SLUT BARB I must be psychic!
SLUT MARY What?
SLUT BARB I just had a dream about this!
SLUT DI No way!
SLUT MIKE This is amazing!
SLUT BARB I always thought I had psychic abilities but this proves it!
SLUT MARY Well, whatever. So, everybody get a wine glass and let’s toast: To the Sluts!
SLUTS To the Sluts!
TO BE CONTINUED….